I dont even quite know what to write this minute. Im so angry I can barely keep it in. I want to smash my fist into the wall. ugh everyones so fucking fake. every god damn person. they change around everyone. you will never know who or what they really are because as soon as someone else is around they change. and I cant fucking express how mad that fucking makes me.  seriously I dont want to deal with shit anymore. I hate people. I hate the whole fucking concept of life. If everyones going to be so mother fucking fake I just want to be alone for the rest of my life. I cant fucking stand it. Im always the same. I never change at all how I act around anyone. Why does everyone have to be so fake I dont fucking understand. I dont trust anyone. and some of the people that I once thought i couldnt live without Im starting to hate. with a fucking passion.  and I cant deal with it. I cant deal with people. I cant help myself I cant help anyone. until someone starts to be real. I hope so much this is a dream just all inside my head. because if its not I cant live with this feeling. Im going to fucking kill everyone. FUCK!

Current Mood: enraged

• As Stated above this is my first entry. Theres alot to say or alot that could be said. Alot of things have happened lately. Well Theres been alot of different feelings and thoughts in my head like all the time. My Emotions go from happy to sad to content to angry to tired to hyper all in like ten minutes. Im not quite sure why. But sometimes I just go into these like chanels of deep thought. And Its usually a random topic. Something that wouldnt usually mean anything to me I find myself thinking about for like hours at a time. And Lately I have these like horrible back flashes. When I get to be half asleep its like a movie in my mind that went back in time. and all I see is the day my papa died. The noise I heard from the basement when he fell on the floor. The sound of my grama's voice yelling to call the ambulance. The look on my dad's face when we were driving to the hospital. and the worst of all when we saw my papa rushed in on a stretcher. then it just skips to when my dad brought me to my moms work. he went inside to get her and I stayed outside crying and shaking until eventually I threw up. And then it skips again and my dad comes to my house and officially like tells me what happened. Then it skips forward again to when I called my grama and she sounded completely mortified. Then I just wake up. And its a horrible feeling waking up after that. Theres nothing I can do to change the feelings I have. And this goes on every night. and its just like I want to forgett so badly. But I cant. thats the one day I cant forgett. Sometimes I panic when I think about him and I cant remember the sound of his voice as well. Or Something we did together. But I know theres one thing I will never forgett and thats his smile. My Papa had the most comforting smile. there was just something about it that made you know that everything was alright. And I cant tell you what I wouldnt give to hear him say I love you Emmy, just one more time. I would give anything in the world to hear that just one more time. I need that comfort and that reasurance. I need to know that he still loves me. even though I have messed up and gotten into trouble, I know Ive done things that he wouldnt be proud of. So I feel like if he's watching all the love he had for me when he was here is just gone. And I cant at all express how much that kills me. I want to know that he still loves me. and I want to know he would still be proud of me, and he would still be my best friend. I need to know it. I cant take wondering anymore, Its just something I need to know.  And its one of those things that I will never be able to find out. and somehow Im just going to have to find some way to live with that. I dont know how this entry went from me having mixed emotions to me just completely having a breakdown. but this is just what I feel. So I guess I better end this.

Current Location: Computer Room
Current Mood: confused